To Work or to Create

I do hate making choices. To be more accurate, it is not making the choices that bothers me, it is acting on them. Several years ago, I wanted to start creating websites for profit. I had made a few sites and they had gone over quite well, but I didn't have any prospects for customers.

I spread the word around that I was willing to build sites for a fee, and finally, I got a bite. My church decided they wanted to have a website and they asked me. I sat down, worked out a pricing schedule (which was well below the average) and proposed the plan to them at the next meeting. They approved it, and asked me to start right away.

I spent hours creating the graphics and working with the layout I had pitched. Of course, I also needed information from them, and that is where it fell flat. They had agreed that they wanted pictures of the main employees, but the employees were slow to get them to me (if they bothered at all.) I also needed information from each committee about their ministry, but again, getting information was like pulling teeth on a 2 month old. I knew it was in there, but it was hard to find.

I did my best, and uploaded the work in progress to the agreed upon URL. Some pages weren't ready, but most were. I approached the vestry and asked them to review the site, and let me know if it suited their needs. A few viewed it and sent in comments (all positive), but most didn't bother. I sent a bill in to the pastor, but nothing happened. I went to the next vestry meeting and they voted again on whether they wanted to support this website. Again it passed, but again, I got no money and no more new information for the site. Four months later, I took the site down.

A month or two later, my mother contacted me. I had already created a site for her pottery and she loved it, but now her church was looking to create a website. They wanted me to do it. I was pumped. Again, I spent hours creating graphics. I submitted the finished product and they loved it. Within a week, I had a check in my hand. I was thrilled. They also asked that I stay on and to updates to the website on a monthly basis. We set a price and that relationship continued for about a year, when one of their parishioners offered to do the updates for free.

In the meantime, I did create some other new sites, but they were all on a voluntary basis, and no money changed hands. I tried advertising, but it brought me no new leads. I reminded everyone I knew that I was looking for freelance work. Still, I got no responses.

One day, while picking up information for our church newsletter (which I also do gratis), there was a postcard for a job opening that the sender wanted us to publisize in our newsletter. The skills requested on the postcard were well within my abilities; they even stated that web design was a plus. I applied that afternoon. Two weeks later, I had the job.

Unfortunately, for me, they had no intention of using those skills. For over a year, my main tasks included fetching paperclips and pens for my "supervisor" (nothing about her was super). I complained, and was moved to another division, but even there, my web design skills were mostly ignored. I got to work on plenty of databases, did some desktop publishing, and a lot of "catch-all" work, like the main switchboard. On top of that, my new boss told me that one of my co-workers had complained about me. I was "too enthusiastic and outgoing". What?

I decided that I no longer needed to subject myself to their idea of "work ethic". The situation was toxic to more than just myself, and if I wasn't wanted, the best thing I could do was leave before I did something I would regret.

So, now I sit here unemployed. I have applied to a few places, and had a few interviews. So far, nothing has come up. I am torn between continuing to try to prove myself to people who will undoubtedly not use the talents I showcase for them (and which they say they want to have) and just starting my business again, and hoping for the best.

I have the skills, I have the personal motivation, I just lack the customers. Is it more important to make money or to feel good about myself? Can I feel good about myself in the long term if I don't get customers, or will their absense slowly eat away at my self-confidence?

I think it is time to build a webserver.